First Sunday of Advent [December 2, 2018] Luke 21:25-28, 34-36

I have been in the Dominican formation for more than 12 years, and if I add four years of my minor seminary formation in Indonesia, it stretches to 16 years! It is insanely long that it occupies a more than half of my life. If we believe that everything has a purpose, I can ask myself, “what is the point of this extremely lengthy formation?” Why should I stay through thick and thin of formation life, through hours of assiduous study, through various programs, through daily rigor of prayer life?

The answer is surprisingly not difficult to see. It is because I want to become a priest and not any priest, it is a Dominican priest, and not only any Dominican priest, but it is a holy, faithful and holistically mature Dominican priest. It looks a simple answer, but every word in that answer carries certain enormous understanding and consequences. Having this so noble aim perhaps explains why the formation is incredibly extensive and long.

However, after passing through literally more than 5 thousand days in the formation, battling many tough examinations, attending countless prayers and spiritual exercise, involving myself in community activities, I am now standing before the threshold of the being-transforming rite what we call the ordination. Looking back, I am aware that I have reached that unprecedented improvements and growth. However, it is also true that I have come short in many aspects. I have committed untold stupidities, things that 14-year-old Bayu would not dare to contemplate. Thank God, that despite these shortcomings, I am still alive!

Honestly evaluating these things, I realize that I am not worthy of this ordination. I could boast some of my achievements, both in academic and non-academic fields. I could show myself as a brother who lives a religious life with certain regularity. I could boast the numbers of talks and lectures I prepared and gave. I could boast the Latin honor I received in every graduation. However, these things are just a bunch of straws!

However, why does this ordination remain within my reach despite my unworthiness? I realize that the vocation to the diaconate is a gift. In Philosophy expounded by St. Thomas Aquinas, I learn my essence is not my existence, meaning to exist is not even my right. Yet, the mere fact, I exist, means God, who is the source of all existence, has willed that I should live. Fundamentally my life is not right or a must, but a gift. My existence is an utter gift of God and so also my ordination. It is not a gift based on a merit system, otherwise, it is called a reward. It is not a gift I could demand because it is my right. It is neither a gift coming from my inheritance nor a gift that I could purchase in the Church. It is a free, absolutely free. God in the mystery of His infinite mercy and wisdom, has decided to grant me this beautiful gift. As I receive this gift despite my unworthiness, I cannot be forever grateful.

The gift does not only speak of me, the recipient. Ultimately it points to the giver. The gift represents how the giver values the recipient. The more valuable the gift is, the more precious the recipient to the giver. The ordinary gift may symbolize the goodwill of the giver, but the gift that hurts the giver is certainly extraordinary because it bears the sacrificial love of the giver. The gift of ordination reveals who my God is. He is God who sees beyond my weakness and flaws, who considers me as His precious own, who dares to share His own life and mission with me. Thus, I am forever grateful.

Br. Valentinus Bayuhadi Ruseno, OP